Fat

The curse of FAT. Those 3 tiny letters have played such a huge roll in my life. It's interesting how much of my time and my thoughts are spent in FAT.

I love when people say Michelle you have an athletic body....what does that mean exactly? I have a broad back, soccer thighs, hummm. I'm not sure if that comment is a compliment or a "you look big."

Now, I am not taking anything for granted here, I am greatful for my body and for my mother's looks, and I take care of and affirm my body everyday, however it doesn't erase my constant need to want to be thinner and prettier. It's interesting when people say I want to look like you when I spend so much time trying to look someone else. I wonder if it will ever be enough?

Do other girls do this? Do you do this?

My first run in with FAT.

I was 14 years old, very athletic, playing 3 sports at one time. I was dating the most popular, handsome, athletic guy in our school, Steve. (to be respectful, I won't use his real name)

Steve and I were standing in the main hallway, hanging out before basketball practise. Just before the bell was going to ring one of his friends walked up to us, Tom. Tom always had something to say, I felt very uneasy around him, I thought he was jerk, he liked to humiliate people constantly. I was always on guard when he was around.

So Tom walks up to us, and says, in front of my new very popular beau "Michelle you look FAT." I wanted to drop kick him right there. I wanted my big brother to come flying in the hallway and kick the S#%^ out of him. Steve, he didn't say anything, I don't think he understood the scope of what just happened, he just walked away.

I felt sick all practise. My mom picked me up and I didn't say a word. I wanted to roll up in ball and pretent it never happened.

Steve called me that night and broke up with me, I asked him why and he couldn't give me a reason. I couldn't believe it, was this because of what Tom said?

I remember being up all night in the bathroom, sick, my big brother would come in and check on me throughout the night, love you Jay.

I didn't know if I could ever go back to school, I had no idea how I was going to recover. It wasn't so much the broken heart as it was the embarrassment. Have you every woken up after being dumped and hope it was just a dream, and then the naught in your stomach suddenly reappears? me fat? I am in good shape or so I thought.

Tom's comments totally rattled me. Fat to me meant not pretty, not pretty meant no Steve and at the time I felt FAT somehow compromised me, my whole identity....I know that's crazy to say but that's my truth.

So I had to figure out a way to fix this - luckily I had the weekend to figure it out.

I was going to a dance the next night, I saved $200.00 to help my mom with our new basketball net, however this called for deperate measures, I took that money and bought a new very Sarah Jessica Parker outfit, or at least I thought it was at the time, I looked good.

We headed out to the dance with my best friend Jennifer and my personal body guard, my brother. I walked into the dance hall and magic.... all eyes on me. We got back together that night.

Steve and I didn't stay together long after that. But the big thing for me was the word FAT - that was the first time I formed a relationship with that word - So from that situation I kind of felt like I always have to be prettier, thinner, faster or just more than. I suppose the question is "for who" who am doing this all for? My man, my friends, family, no, it's this crazy thing I made up, and for whatever reason continues to show up.

What is your FAT relationship, love your share on this!

Dr. Seuss said it best "those that mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"