Watch This First:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gkIiV6konY
My Miss Representation
Today I want to take responsibility for my part in perpetuating this cycle. This letter is my sad truth & my commitment to be better.
A letter to “My Participation in Miss Representation”
I realize that most of my life I have struggled with looking good enough, basing my self worth, the direction of my day whether it’s going to be a great day or a crappy day purely on how i feel about my outward appearance.
People say, me included “oh it matters whats on the inside” true at heart, however in my culture, in my experience, that’s bull shit. I am about 100% sure that we women (or maybe just me) come up against at least one of the “Enoughs” everyday...
Am I ____ Enough?
Check List.
- Pretty
- Skinny
- Happy
- Sexy
- Style/Clothes: Cool
- Hair
- Make up
- Skin
- Job
- a good daughter/sister
- a great friend
The sad cycle that takes place in my mind if I am “On” is almost a superiority...like dam i am prettier than... faster than...instead of gosh i feel great, it’s like a one up on others.
Worse: If i am “off”
If I am feeling my jeans are too tight, i have a break out, i ate too much, someone is better or prettier than me, or I am just having an insecure day, first I am laced with guilt for wasting my thoughts on such foolishness, .....and the truthful horrible part, I will tear other women down because in some crazy screwed up way it’s validating: i tear someone down, to feed myself an ounce of self worth. That is F%^&*( up.
This feeling pretty/good enough, has hindered every part of my life. Especially my relationships with the people i love the most.
Friends: you couldn’t be too pretty, i couldn’t handle it. So I never let anyone get too close.
My sisters: not wanting them to be better than me...(this was a hard one to write because I love these 4 women more then you could ever imagine) I remember my grade 12 prom my little sister Nic coming up to me and telling me how beautiful I looked, I couldn’t believe it, I was always so jealous she was/is so beautiful, she was/is always the bell of the ball. That comment was the best part of my night, for the first time I felt close to her in my teenage years, in that moment I decided to let her in...my own sister I kept at a distance because of my insecurities.
Health: I remember my mom telling me her jean size was smaller than mine: instead of celebrating her amazing accomplishment in weight loss: I became really insecure about food and my body and dabbled in bulimia for sometime. I couldn’t handle the idea of my mom being thinner then me. This has followed me for some time now, it’s something I don’t know will ever go away...but I have great tools to manage my emotional crutch I call food....
My Men: Jealousy. I was always undercover, on guard, I made up stories and would push these guys away or manifest what I was looking for. I was “Courage-less” to ask for what i really wanted because I was embarrassed, I wanted them to think I was this confident Super Women, which I am not at times. With Steve I am working on doing it right, talking to him even when I feel totally un cool.
All the above are for sure things that are a result of my past however I chose to believe and live into my insecurities, focused in areas of vanity instead of diving into my gifts, the activities and people i love. Apart of me feels i wasted a lot of time but I am making up for it now.
My commitment: I can catch my self in these cycles now, I had to change, or I would have let my insecurities push away everything I love. Everyday I work on the things I love to do that bring me joy, I work on being vulnerable and truthful. The goal I am focused on now is to laugh more:)
If one person can read this and start to make little changes...awesome.
Happy Confident Women = Confident Representation
Love to hear if you are a tich crazy like me...:) xoxoxoxo
Creating a new REPRESENTATION,
Michelle
way to put it out there Michelle!!, go out on a limb, and you are certainly not alone, I would agree I have thought/felt/done all of those things. Thanks for sharing! You are a very courageous woman and an inspriation to us all!
ReplyDeleteMichelle, It is so refreshing to read this. I think you are one of the most beautiful woman I have ever met and to read that you didnt think so made everything real to me. I have lived a bit of the same path you have. Never the bulimia, but I just eat to hide. Thinking I will never be able to be what I THINK people see me as. They probably dont even see me as I think they do. I really comes down to the fact that we are all so much alike.. always wanting to be something different when we should be rejoicing in what we are. Thank you for sharing this.. it is a bit healing for me. xxoo
ReplyDeleteOMG-Now that I have wiped away the tears and settled my HEART down some, I just want to say a huge thank you to someone who I CHERISH from the bottom of my heart! Michelle thank you for being so transparent and bringing honesty to yourself at a level that supports your own self approval! I have had every feeling that you descibed and then some! Thank you for helping to set me free today because you were and are willing to open up and share! I love you Michelle and I treasure your friendship. Thank you Beautiful GODDESS!
ReplyDeleteDeb, thanks...love to know how we can change this crazy! This stuff i never had the courage to talk about...my mission is to make it easier for the next generation:)
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ReplyDeleteI wrote a post and I don't think the opening bit came out right! lol
ReplyDeleteIt was a long comment, so I'll make this one brief. I've been very large my entire life and when I thought of someone I went to school with - who I wished I could be like, it was you.
Beautiful, wonderful and big loving family, athletic, popular, etc., And kind. It just seemed like you were the nicest gal out there.
And you ARE all of those things but your post made me realize you're something else. Real. A real woman with real feelings - many that I share.
In short: I embrace who I am as a woman. ALL of me. But there are days when I feel less than wonderful about myself and as a result, I feel GUILTY. Guilty as if - to be successful, strong, independent, I am NOT allowed to think I am anything but perfect and that I accept me 100%. Your post made me sort of realize that even if I were 'perfect' on paper - that I would probably still have those bad days. And those feelings aren't because I am fat - they're because I am a woman. And I'm okay with that.
I still rambled.
Thanks for Sharing Mich.
The funny this is Mich, I was always jealous of you growing up. You were more popular, you were/are GORGEOUS, and you were an excellent athlete while I could barley dribble a basketball. But all in all, this is the way girls are when they are young. Some stay this way, and some grow up. I am glad we are talking about our insecurities as sisters and wish we did way back then. I love you and you are my bestest friend in the entire world. Thanks for sharing your story. xoxoxox
ReplyDeleteShannon, Thanks so much for sharing. Your so right...is it ever enough...will my list every be 100%...no. So i just have to sit with that...today with the 2 big zits on my face... ha ha.
ReplyDeletenic... i love u.
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